homo alone

This June, my honey and I, will celebrate our fifteenth anniversary of togetherness. Our plans are to host a super-gay barbeque in our backyard with our close friends. A long line of Emily Posts are all in agreement that it is in poor taste to expect gifts (clearly they were all crazy), but you might want to know that the traditional gift for this anniversary is crystal. We haven’t done drugs in many years, so instead, we will gladly accept gift cards to any of our favorite stores (Nordstroms, Homo Depot, Targay, and Capital Videos (they carry great documentaries)).

Fifteen years is a very long time for any couple to be together and if you factor in our gay-iosity, you would have to use an integration formula to fully appreciate the wonder of our longevity. The following may be helpful in determining how long, in gay years, we have been together:

Explanation: the s-shaped squiggle is there to give the equation some flair like a fleur-de-lis; “dx” (number of times we redecorated our dining room) divided by the square root of “a” squared (frequency of sex per week) less “x” squared (number of times male enhancement drugs were required) equals sin (Capricorn with a Gemini Moon) to the negative 1 multiplied by the drug thing divided by the frequency thing plus C (a constant that represents the number of fruit flies in our lives at any one time).

When I plug in the numbers I always come back with ... drum roll please ... fifteen years ... surprised? I’m not, since there’s nothing spectacular, different, or unique about our relationship; it’s as normal (or abnormal) as anyone’s relationship. I’m often asked, “What is the secret of your relationship?” After a lot of thought, I have come up with the top three reasons we are still together and they are:

1 – we know how to compromise; actually, my honey compromises more than I do ... I’m a pretty demanding bitch to live with ... and occasionally I compromise ... but no where near his level as he is saner and in better control of his emotions,

II - retail, baby; no, not shopping – since we both work in retail, we only share one day off per week and have different shifts during the day; at the end of the day, we look forward to seeing each other, and

c – vacations; together and apart ... everybody deserves a break and we enjoy our breaks from reality and from each other.

This works for us and may not work for you, but I think the compromise thing is the biggest factor in a relationship’s success (and communication, financial well being, and having not having crumb snatchers). Once you master that, the other pieces fall into place.

This week, my honey took our dog and went to visit his family in Connecticut. I could have gone, but spending a week in Monroe feels more like spending a month in Monroe (I have the formula to prove it). He originally wanted to go somewhere warm (Miami or Los Angeles), but he didn’t leave himself enough time to plan a trip involving plane travel.

Vacations apart are fun, if you’re the one going away. For the homebound, me, the first day is fun because I can sleep in the middle of the king sized bed with pillows all around me. By the second day, I slowly realize that there’s no one around to listen to my little rant about some insignificant thing I encountered during the day. Third day, I start rolling down my phone list looking for someone to hang with; I then realize that I have a ton of acquaintances and very few friends. On the fourth day, I get whiny with my honey on the phone and start asking him whether he’s planning on coming home early. The rest of the week is just a blur of me keeping busy until he gets home.

By the time he comes home, I will be all over him - just like my dog does when we get home. We’ll go out to eat, catch up on family gossip, and have hot passionate sex without any male enhancing drugs. I appreciate him when he is around, but I appreciate him so more when he is away. These past fifteen years were fun and I can only imagine that the next fifteen will be incredible. See you at the barbeque this June.