tv blues

While watching last week’s episode of American Idol, I realized that all of “my shows,” as my grandmother use to say, have ended for the season. They’ll be on hiatus for the summer and I hope they’ll return in the fall. Okay, I know I watch a lot of shows, but don’t freak out, most of them are recorded on my cheap-TiVo-like machine and I generally ride the fast forward button the whole time I’m viewing (an hour show in well under a half an hour).

Here’s (yet another) a quick rundown of “my shows:”

· American Idol - at this point, who cares who wins. They’re all good and should be able to have successful careers,

· The Amazing Race - Uchenna & Joyce beat Rob & Amber (best team ever) to the finish line and Mark Burnett foils my plan to avoid commercials by perfecting product placement in the storylines (Travelocity, American Airlines),

· Survivor – Daddy Tom Westman was voted the winner after openly manipulating his team for 39 days; some seasons they vote out the strong, this season they chewed and spat out the weak; and I craved Pringles all season,

· The Apprentice - Kendra Todd flew under the radar all season but was hired for doing a good job in the final two tasks and for not for shitting on her co-workers; Kelly Perdew, last season’s winner, marketed water; and Mark Burnett slips in ads for ... everyone.

· Showdog Moms & Dads - Freak Show of the Year - Brandon was scary, George was scarier, but Kyra was, by far, the scariest,

· Project Greenlight ... I’m not sure what happened ... they filmed a movie that may be released in the winter ... maybe,

A few nights ago, I dreamed that Sparky from In A Fix was in my house fixing stuff. I kept following him around the house hoping his shirt would ride up so I’d be able to catch a glimpse of his belly hair. Woke up with a woody!

I guess I’ll set my cheap-TiVo-like machine to record some of the home and garden reality shows since the summer fare is pathetic (why do they keep bringing Big Brother back? ... it’s so boring).

Better yet, I should get in the action and apply to be on one of the shows. The mother of all shows is, of course, Ty Pennington’s Extreme Home Edition. I’d really like for Ty to do a special “playroom” for me but there’s no chance in hell that they’ll select us because I'm quite healthy. The best malady I can come up with is that our dog’s bottom row of teeth are crooked. How about sunburn? Allergies anyone?

Plan B – There are enough shows out there that we could probably get every room in our house decorated by professionals. I think I will apply to the following:

· Debbie Travis’ Facelist can head into our living room. Her style is in line with what we like and her work looks livable.

· Candace Olsen’s Divine Design can work their magic in our kitchen and dining room. I’ve liked most of designs but her extensive use of fabrics, not so much. Candace gets the nod because she’s really funny and travels with Hunky Paul.

· Although they fired Paige Davis, Trading Spaces can send Doug Wilson to bring his special brand of obnoxious to our bedroom. He did the best room ever for these whiny lawyers in northeast.

· New comer, Kenneth Brown from reDesign gets to work in our bathroom (he might as well clean it). I always selected his room when he was on Designer’s Challenge.

· Without a doubt, the folks at Curb Appeal can work on our grounds as long as they bring in designer Michael Loftis. After he’s done working in the yard, Michael, aka Marcus Irons, can come work in the bedroom.

· And just for laughs, Clean House for the basement because host Niecy Nash, from Reno 911, is hy-sterical

I’m not applying to any of the following shows:

· Clean Sweep – Annoying, unfunny, and borderline fat carpenter.

· In A Fix – Annoying black guy and equally unfunny Australian guy. Their combined annoying-ness and unfunny-ness unfortunately cancels out Marc, Justin, and Sparky's hotness.

· Surprise by Design – Robert Verdi, who dresses you on this show?

· While You Were Out – Two words, Theme Rooms

Until they call back (fat chance), I’ll record all “my shows" and fast forward through them just to keep up with the weekly schedule. I can’t wait till Martha brings her game to the Apprentice: Diva Style.