reading

I was raised Catholic but there came a time when it just wouldn’t stick. It was a gradual transformation but one that started fairly early.

The first signs of disenchantment occurred when I started taking communion classes in the South Bronx. I hated going to class from the very first day. First of all, I couldn’t sleep in on Saturday mornings (so not fair, weekends are supposed to be free), secondly, I had to go to class, which meant I was in school six days a week, and lastly, all the best cartoons aired on Saturday morning and I would miss all the good ones (and the bad ones which I would have rather watched).

Then there was the whole hypocrisy thing. It’s hard to live up to church expectations and there was no way my relatives were able to maintain the pure, chaste, moral life advocated in the priest’s sermons. My aunts and uncles, like many people coming of age in the seventies, cursed, drank, and fooled around (and I loved them for it). Party like crazy all week and then confess your sins and all will be forgiven; pretty convenient cop out that many took advantage of.

Ultimately, I just didn’t believe and even a few semesters at a Jesuit university couldn’t change that. For some strange reason, while I didn’t have faith, the liturgy spoke to me. I enjoyed attending mass but never paid attention to the message as I was enthralled by the production of it all. The costumes, protocol, and history were far more interesting. I’ve developed a love for baptisms and weddings and a fondness for a well executed funeral (I skip burials, they’re creepy).

I was sad to hear that JP2 was hospitalized, but became somewhat excited when I realized that the mother of all Catholic rituals is in the near future. The last conclave was in 1978 and I was too young to appreciate the pick-a-pope process, but this time I am ready. I’m reading John L. Allen, Jr.'s Conclave which does a wonderful job of explaining a pope’s role in the modern world, detailing the voting process, and giving a who’s-who in cardinal rank.

Some interesting facts:
-The camerlengo is the HNIC from the pope's death until the next candidate accepts.
-JP2 has selected all but three of the cardinals eligible to vote.
-The person they select must be younger than eighty.
-Like presidential cabinet positions, all cardinals in charge of curial offices lose their jobs upon the pope’s death.
-John II was the first pope to change his name in 533. He thought Mercury was too pagan.
-JP2 is the first non-Italian pope since Adrian VI (1522–23).

So here’s what I would do if I could produce the next Conclave …

Live from the Vatican, The Supreme Pontiff would air Thursdays on ABC after CBS’s Survivor and NBC’s Apprentice. Truly must see TV night. Cardinals will have to compete in weekly challenges to prove they have it in them to become the Bishop of Rome. Besides the obligatory obstacle courses (stamina test), cardinals will face off in the following challenges: locked in a room with an altar boy (test of control), handcuffed to Kathy Griffith (test for patience), and a church makeover funded by whatever donations they can raise at mass (fiscal test). At the end of each episode, one cardinal is given a black rose, declared “un-pope-worthy,” and excommunicated for life. The last cardinal standing becomes pope, inherits JP2's frequent flier miles, and receives one year’s representation with the William Morris Agency.

i see yooouuuu ...