dearest Kerri
Your email announcing your move to Madagascar has brought the biggest smile to my face. This is clearly the opportunity of a lifetime and it couldn’t have happened to a better person. I am so envious that you were able to leave all the glitz and glamour of Washington, DC for all the wonder and marvel that is Madagascar.
How were you able to land such a plum assignment with the Peace Corp? I knew that Peace Corp was a federal government organization, set up in 1961, that trains and sends American volunteers abroad to work with people of developing countries on projects for technological, agricultural, and educational improvement but, I had no idea they were starting an entertainment division. I couldn’t think of anyone more qualified to develop reality based programming for the people of Madagascar (Madagascians, Madagaskites, Madagaskers?) Well, actually, I could, but, I couldn’t think of anyone who actually volunteered, was miserable at her job, and who wanted to get the heck out of Washington no matter what third world hell hole she was sent to.
The next few months for you will be quite stressful as you try to come up with original programming but, I don’t think anyone would fault you if you forgo some stress by tweaking some of the more popular shows and presenting them as your own. It worked for FOX with that boxing thing and for ABC with the nanny thing. Since I’m not working these days and I find myself with plenty of time on my hands, I was able to come up with some possible projects for you to present to the Weinsteins and Ovitzs running the E-PC.
My first idea is called Trading Tranos; neighbors trade homes, redesign the room, in two days, all for under 166 MFG. You could even have kooky, flamboyant designers who can help them realize their dream rooms. In one episode, a designer can be avant-garde and replace the hay, mud, and mold with paint, wallpaper, or fabric. Participants can be relatives, total strangers or even warring political factions; the possibilities for hilarity are endless.
The Mpianatra! In this show, exiled leader Ratsiraka will put 18 candidates through a rigorous 17-week interview process. Applicants will be judge on their ability to rig elections, censure information, and destabilize the economy. Each week, one person is exiled to Algiers and convicted of war crimes in absentia. I even thought of a catch phrase The Rat could use … “You’re Mandroaka” … loosely translated, I think that means “You’re Expelled!” He can also have a signature move like a punching gesture to the nose. The winner will set up a second capital in a neighboring town and pave the way for the next rebellion.
And a sure-fire ratings winner … So So Race! Contestants, from the capital city, Antananarivo, are judged on their ability to get to work and return home as quickly as possible during rush hours. A series of road blocks and tasks are included to heighten the excitement. Road blocks include dodging lemurs, city pollution, and dust … fans won’t be needed as it is very windy. Tasks include bargaining for every purchase, finding a cab, and avoiding beggars and pickpockets.
Those are just a few examples from my brain storming session. They are more and I could list them all but, I’m running low on ink so for now I’ll just limit my ideas to three. Let me know if you need any more suggestions as I am always willing to assist the government whenever it strives to bring entertainment to the nether reaches of the world. By then, I’ll have cashed my unemployment check and visited Office Depot for new cartridges.
It’s my understanding that it is extremely hot and humid in Madagascar during our cold, gray winter months. By now, you must look like a delicious piece of caramel. If you were home, well, in DC anyway, you would be pale as … you … as it has been extremely cold and snowy. Here’s a picture of the bench in Dupont Circle where we bumped into each other this past summer. As you can clearly see, it’s so cold that even the crazies abandoned the park for warmer parts. I’m guessing they headed to South Beach.
As you know, I’m not a big fan of snow but, I decided to channel my hated for that dreaded weather pattern and exploit it for the greater good. My wish was for a blizzard like there hasn’t been seen in three years to blanket the city during Inauguration Week, thereby shutting it down for a week. As an atheist, I knew praying would lead me nowhere so, I had to rely on other methods. My friend Debbie told me how when she was a kid she and her siblings would wear their underwear inside out in order to bring on snow days. I was willing to give it a try. I wore my blue boxers inside out for a full week and my hope was for an inch of snow per hour starting at 10 PM on Wednesday, January 19th. The snow did come but, it came too soon. All the snow dropped Wednesday morning at 10 AM and only for a few hours. The first-time president-elect’s inauguration would go on as scheduled. Curses, foiled again.
Without you, Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend was a bust. Everywhere I turned, leather laden lads were asking me, “Where’s Kerri?” They were disappointed to hear you were stationed half way around the world but then the tina hit and they quickly forgot all about you and concentrated on hitting on that kid who was still wearing that dashing Nazi uniform from Halloween.
Sue Nami, remember my drag friend, has decided to change her drag name to something that doesn’t inspire silent weeping in the audience. She wanted your input on whether any of the following names would urge you to place a dollar bills in her bra: Tora Nado, Eartha Quake, or Val Cano. Let me know and I’ll pass it on.
I was wondering how your stomach was holding up to the local cuisine. I’m fairly certain that the local McDonalds is satisfying your fast food jones (mmm … McLemur) but, I am also certain that some of your favorites are not available at the local Piggly Wiggly. Who would have thought that you could last a month without eating: Cheeze Whiz, Spam, Hot Pockets, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Goya Flan, and Pop Rocks? If I can send you any of your favorites, let me know.
My friends just called and are picking me up to go to the Lizard Lounge so I’ll finish up this letter. I hate to ask since I know you’re busy listening to pitches all day but, if you have the time, and feel free to say no, would you look into the following:
· Has speed dating caught on like it has here?
· If most of the men hold hands there, how do you know if he’s on “the plan?”
· What is the current rate for prepubescent boys? with an option to buy?
· Is the local weather conducive for growing “medicinal” marijuana?
· Can lemurs survive in DC’s hot humid summer? are they easy to smuggle?
· Does Madagascar have any extradition treaties with the U S of A?
· So it’s winter here but, it’s hot as hell there. Is it also called winter where you are?
Smootchie-Boochies Miss Poore.
Hope to hear from you soon. Toodles!
Your faithful servant,
Diego
How were you able to land such a plum assignment with the Peace Corp? I knew that Peace Corp was a federal government organization, set up in 1961, that trains and sends American volunteers abroad to work with people of developing countries on projects for technological, agricultural, and educational improvement but, I had no idea they were starting an entertainment division. I couldn’t think of anyone more qualified to develop reality based programming for the people of Madagascar (Madagascians, Madagaskites, Madagaskers?) Well, actually, I could, but, I couldn’t think of anyone who actually volunteered, was miserable at her job, and who wanted to get the heck out of Washington no matter what third world hell hole she was sent to.
The next few months for you will be quite stressful as you try to come up with original programming but, I don’t think anyone would fault you if you forgo some stress by tweaking some of the more popular shows and presenting them as your own. It worked for FOX with that boxing thing and for ABC with the nanny thing. Since I’m not working these days and I find myself with plenty of time on my hands, I was able to come up with some possible projects for you to present to the Weinsteins and Ovitzs running the E-PC.
My first idea is called Trading Tranos; neighbors trade homes, redesign the room, in two days, all for under 166 MFG. You could even have kooky, flamboyant designers who can help them realize their dream rooms. In one episode, a designer can be avant-garde and replace the hay, mud, and mold with paint, wallpaper, or fabric. Participants can be relatives, total strangers or even warring political factions; the possibilities for hilarity are endless.
The Mpianatra! In this show, exiled leader Ratsiraka will put 18 candidates through a rigorous 17-week interview process. Applicants will be judge on their ability to rig elections, censure information, and destabilize the economy. Each week, one person is exiled to Algiers and convicted of war crimes in absentia. I even thought of a catch phrase The Rat could use … “You’re Mandroaka” … loosely translated, I think that means “You’re Expelled!” He can also have a signature move like a punching gesture to the nose. The winner will set up a second capital in a neighboring town and pave the way for the next rebellion.
And a sure-fire ratings winner … So So Race! Contestants, from the capital city, Antananarivo, are judged on their ability to get to work and return home as quickly as possible during rush hours. A series of road blocks and tasks are included to heighten the excitement. Road blocks include dodging lemurs, city pollution, and dust … fans won’t be needed as it is very windy. Tasks include bargaining for every purchase, finding a cab, and avoiding beggars and pickpockets.
Those are just a few examples from my brain storming session. They are more and I could list them all but, I’m running low on ink so for now I’ll just limit my ideas to three. Let me know if you need any more suggestions as I am always willing to assist the government whenever it strives to bring entertainment to the nether reaches of the world. By then, I’ll have cashed my unemployment check and visited Office Depot for new cartridges.
It’s my understanding that it is extremely hot and humid in Madagascar during our cold, gray winter months. By now, you must look like a delicious piece of caramel. If you were home, well, in DC anyway, you would be pale as … you … as it has been extremely cold and snowy. Here’s a picture of the bench in Dupont Circle where we bumped into each other this past summer. As you can clearly see, it’s so cold that even the crazies abandoned the park for warmer parts. I’m guessing they headed to South Beach.
As you know, I’m not a big fan of snow but, I decided to channel my hated for that dreaded weather pattern and exploit it for the greater good. My wish was for a blizzard like there hasn’t been seen in three years to blanket the city during Inauguration Week, thereby shutting it down for a week. As an atheist, I knew praying would lead me nowhere so, I had to rely on other methods. My friend Debbie told me how when she was a kid she and her siblings would wear their underwear inside out in order to bring on snow days. I was willing to give it a try. I wore my blue boxers inside out for a full week and my hope was for an inch of snow per hour starting at 10 PM on Wednesday, January 19th. The snow did come but, it came too soon. All the snow dropped Wednesday morning at 10 AM and only for a few hours. The first-time president-elect’s inauguration would go on as scheduled. Curses, foiled again.
Without you, Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend was a bust. Everywhere I turned, leather laden lads were asking me, “Where’s Kerri?” They were disappointed to hear you were stationed half way around the world but then the tina hit and they quickly forgot all about you and concentrated on hitting on that kid who was still wearing that dashing Nazi uniform from Halloween.
Sue Nami, remember my drag friend, has decided to change her drag name to something that doesn’t inspire silent weeping in the audience. She wanted your input on whether any of the following names would urge you to place a dollar bills in her bra: Tora Nado, Eartha Quake, or Val Cano. Let me know and I’ll pass it on.
I was wondering how your stomach was holding up to the local cuisine. I’m fairly certain that the local McDonalds is satisfying your fast food jones (mmm … McLemur) but, I am also certain that some of your favorites are not available at the local Piggly Wiggly. Who would have thought that you could last a month without eating: Cheeze Whiz, Spam, Hot Pockets, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Goya Flan, and Pop Rocks? If I can send you any of your favorites, let me know.
My friends just called and are picking me up to go to the Lizard Lounge so I’ll finish up this letter. I hate to ask since I know you’re busy listening to pitches all day but, if you have the time, and feel free to say no, would you look into the following:
· Has speed dating caught on like it has here?
· If most of the men hold hands there, how do you know if he’s on “the plan?”
· What is the current rate for prepubescent boys? with an option to buy?
· Is the local weather conducive for growing “medicinal” marijuana?
· Can lemurs survive in DC’s hot humid summer? are they easy to smuggle?
· Does Madagascar have any extradition treaties with the U S of A?
· So it’s winter here but, it’s hot as hell there. Is it also called winter where you are?
Smootchie-Boochies Miss Poore.
Hope to hear from you soon. Toodles!
Your faithful servant,
Diego
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